We create relationship to fulfill our needs… Shocked to Read this???
Let’s understand it better with an example. A female named “A” has a lot of fear and insecurity within her and these emotions don’t allow her to experience emotions like love and intimacy. And to fulfill her need to experience these emotions, she looks outside and tries to cling onto others. When she gets married, she sees her husband as a source of her security – financial, emotional and physical. But as she was operating out of fear & insecurity, so she started compromising in relationship and her husband started signs of repulsion and irritation. She is unable to appreciate what she is getting in the relationship and her deep rooted fear and insecurity pushes her to seek more and more… And this attitude pushes her husband away from her, which makes her more vulnerable. This is resulting in bitterness in relationship as the relationship is need based.
One more example: “B “wants to experience romance, to her definition of romance which is being with her partner, a walk besides the lake, candle light dinner etc. But at the same time, her husband feels very differently. He is laid back, wants to be at home, watching good movies, relaxing. Initially the physical attraction for each other was keeping them in harmony.
As days pass by, both of them begin to feel dissatisfied as their personal definitions and needs of “so called love” are not getting met and what they are doing for the other person, is more coming out from the state of compromise than from the state of love, hence slowly they begin to feel that love is falling apart and a feeling of being rejected, being used and worthlessness comes up.
Lets understand it further with one more situation where “C” feels very fearful, insecure, and has very high need to prove that he is good enough. As his expectation from self and need to prove is very high, he chooses challenging situations to prove his worth. As he feels he is genius and his capacity is more than what he is doing. It is true that everyone has the potential to be unparalleled. It reflects in his relationship with partner as well. Partner’s expectation is also very high. Constant self pressure makes him feel vulnerable and tired. As he is not happy with self which creates internal turmoil, he feels as if he is being tested continuously at all fronts and yet inspite and despite of giving his best, he is unable to make anybody happy, neither his boss nor his family.
Understand with an example how dependency creates and stop ourselves to grow as an individual. In a family one person “D” takes the responsibility of whole family. Now a sense of security is there in each family member. They feel very secure in D’s presence who is serving to other members to prove her worthiness. At the same time this also creates a sense of insecurity in each family member as they slowly become dependent on her. As she moves out of the home to pursue her inner calling, the whole family shakes up. Everyone else in the family begins to feel her vacuum and continuously calls her for support. This makes her realize that how she has made them dependent on her. She also realizes that to prove her worth, she has blocked other’s growth. She slowly starts making others independent and creates a sense of responsibility in each member of the family. Thus the whole family harmoniously moves on a different level of understanding and started sharing unconditional love. A perfect example to evolve in harmony.
Keen observation is one big way to learn. If we start observing our relationships and each of our behavior, we will learn a lot about our own behaviors and the reasons for those behaviors. The real wisdom lies in learning from each relationship and every event of our life. What is the purpose of any relationship and how is it serving us?
Every relationship helps us to evolve. We are learning something or the other be it a mother-child, father-child, husband-wife, brother-sister, friendship and the so called the “not-so-harmonious” relationships even make us learn more. The difficult relationships and difficult people is our lives teach us more.
Can we begin to go one level deeper and take the relationship to a new level of understanding? Can we begin to work on one relationship and to move that relationship based on acceptance, respect, love and not on need.
For sure we can if we start clearing our own dust, underneath only love is there which is free flowing…